4 Legged Humor

Two men are walking their dogs, a poodle and a German Shepard. They decide they'd like to go into a bar for a drink. "But we can't bring our dogs into that bar," says the poodle's human. "Hey, no problem," says the German Shepard's owner. "Just watch this." He pulls out a pair of sunglasses and walks into the bar. "Hey, no dogs!" yells the bartender. "But this is a seeing eye dog," says the German Shepard's human. The bartender apologizes and shows them to a chair. So, the poodle owner decides to follow suit, whips out his sunglasses, and walks into the bar. "Hey, no dogs!" yells the bartender. "But this is a seeing eye dog," says the poodle's human. The bartender objects, "Hey, poodles can't be seeing eye dogs!" The poodle owner gasps, "Poodle? They told me they were giving me a German Shepard!"

Life lessons learned from a dog

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.

2. Don't go out without ID.

3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.

4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.

5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.

6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.

7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).

8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss

Ten top ways to tell if Martha Stewart is stalking your dog

10. There's potpourri hanging from his/her collar.

9. The dog's nails have been cut with pinking shears.

8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.

7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia bows.

6. That telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl.

5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.

4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.

3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of your dog's crate.

2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool hand-knitted sweater with matching boots.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY YOU KNOW THAT MARTHA STEWART IS STALKING YOUR DOG IS...

1. The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans.

 

Help Wanted Ad

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "MEOW."

Games to Play With Your Human
(FOR DOGS)

After your humans give you a bath, don't let them towel dry you. Humans love the exercise of trying to catch you. Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets.

 When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Act like a convicted criminal. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.) 

Make your humans learn to be patient. When you go outside to do your business, sniff around the entire yard or up and down the entire block as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

 Humans love to be the center of attention. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to do your thing. Take your time and make sure lots of other people are watching. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag. 

When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by. Pretend your collar is too tight and you are sick. This is always good for a laugh.

 Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while. Humans like to chase sticks too! 

Play hide and seek with your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. Don't reappear until at least one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears.

 When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door. Make sure everything outside is just as it should be before going in.

 Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about. 

And last but not least, make sure you give your humans a big, sloppy, wet kiss every day!

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

 

Day number 180

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

 

Day number 181

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

2:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

 

 

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me

with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine

lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat

dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is

the hope of escape; and the mild satisfaction I

get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

 

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by

weaving around their feet while they were walking

almost succeeded, must try this at the top

of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse

these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself

to vomit on their favorite chair...must try

this on their bed.

 

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the

headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what

I am capable of, and to try to strike

fear into their hearts. They only cooed and

condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm.

Not working according to plan.

 

 

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are.

For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture.

This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo."

What sick minds could invent such a liquid?

My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck

between my teeth.

 

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their

accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the

event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the

foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More

importantly I overheard that my confinement was due

to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is

and how to use it to my advantage.

 

DAY 774 - I am convinced that the other captives are

flunkies, and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely

released and seems more than happy to return.

He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other

hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them

regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due

to his current placement in the metal room his safety is

assured.

But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the
animals on display. While he was there, another customer
walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop
and took out a monkey.

He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer,
saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked
out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said,
"That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only
a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in
C - very fast, type code, no bugs, well worth the
money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "
That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What
does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage
object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some
Java. All the really useful stuff," said the
shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and
saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price
tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped
to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all
the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen
it do anything, but it says it's a consultant."

 

A Letter to my Pet;



 Dear Dog and/or Cat,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch
positions with each other so there are still two of you in
the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your
food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please
note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food
does not stake a claim for it becoming your food dish, nor
do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can
run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on
the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and
cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is
not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched
out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out
the other end to maximize space used is nothing but
sarcasm.)

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to
get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine meow,
try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try
to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for
years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or
cats. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple
change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our
front door..... Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like
to complain about our pets: 1. They live here; you don't. 2.
If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. 3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he and/or she is an adopted
son and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours
and is speech challenged.

Dogs and cats are better than kids They eat less, don't ask
for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come
when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug
using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about
buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't
need a gazillion dollars for college, and when they have
young, you can sell the results.

 
 

(Straight from the Dogs mouth)

I've Got 10 Human Peeves To Talk About:   
 
 1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all !!!
 
 2. Yelling at me for barking . . . I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!
 
 3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.  Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
 
 4.  Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose . . . stop it!
 
 5.  Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.  Now you k! now why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
 
 6.  The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.  You fooled a dog!  WOW - what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
 

 7.  Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

 
 8.  Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.  Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
 
 9.  Dog sweaters.  Hello !!!  Haven't you noticed the fur?
 
10.  How you act disgusted when I lick myself.  Look, we both know the truth . . . you're just jealous.
 
Now lay off me on some of these thing's.

We both know who's boss here . . .

 You don't see me picking up your poop, do you ?

 
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